Hospital Rooms and Athlete Identity

Hospital rooms are boring. And way too bright. Like, why can't a dimmer switch be installed in these rooms? And actually sleeping overnight? Yeah right.

I met Sara my freshman year of college, at Occidental College in LA. We bonded over tacos. True story. 

We were lucky to have a built in group of friends who we stayed very close friends with throughout our four years at Oxy, and a couple of us are still close to this day. No doubt, any one of us could call each other for help or to catch up and it would surely be like no time had passed. Sure some things have changed, a couple kids, marriages, divorces, career changes, etc - but at the core of it we all developed this really special friendship that I’m beyond thankful for. I didn’t realize how much I needed friends in my life - really until I became a ‘real’ adult (you know, after I turned 30) hah

Now, the second week of January 2025 I’m blinded by fluorescent overhead lighting, constant beeping from down the hall, a never ending stream of new faces popping into the hospital room checking in to make sure her vitals are all good and stable and making casual conversation as though we’re sitting in a coffee shop. Ok, I haaaave been reading and working incessantly because - well. What else am I supposed to do? Watch old Friends reruns on the 30 channels in this tiny hospital room? Hard pass. 

This is a very long start to a story that I’m not sure I have clearly and completely conceived in my head yet. - I just felt compelled to take some notes in the book I’m reading, Start with Why by Simon Sinek, of words that just came rushing to my head. I then grabbed my computer and here we are. I would like to mention that Sara was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2023 and she’s had chemo, radiation, surgeries and is recovering well and is healthy overall.

I’ll say that lately (for the past 4 or 5 years) everything that I read, write, consume, think about, talk about generally seems to relate back to running/owning/perfecting/growing/my business. I’m constantly thinking of ways to do a better job, be a better person, make more money for myself and those around me, impact more athletes to become better humans and smash the ceiling of potential that they don’t even know they have inside of them. Everything in my life comes back to being an athlete and running an athletic business. Not kidding. It’s annoying at times. In some ways I’m envious of people who can ‘turn off’, read exclusively fiction, or not bring their work home with them. But, in some ways I feel like I’m constantly getting confirmation that I'm on the right path; and since I do work with young humans who are constantly being bombarded by different messages telling them they’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, too masculine, too strong, not strong enough, too assertive, not assertive enough, not something enough - I’m proud to constantly be thinking of ways to support them and grow into a better resource for them. 

Now back to the hospital. Being here and having one of my favorite people be scared for the last 2 years because of this diagnosis (even though she probably wont admit that she's scared - another reason we’re besties) has finally caught up to me. I’m feeling things. In the past I’ve always tried to avoid that. I’m fine, everything is fine, she's fine. Fine. Stuff it away, put it in a box, smile. Move on to the next thing.

I was one of the friends she asked last year to stay with her during chemo, but this visit, I just started thinking about the beginning of our friendship and all of our Oxy friends we essentially grew up with for some reason. We always all supported each other by simply showing up and cheering for each other. I had a soccer game, they would all make signs, play “Eye of the Tiger” during warm ups from their dorm rooms that overlooked the soccer field, and cheer. We would all go to basketball games, baseball, football games, theater performances, poetry nights and cheer on our people. But those events, as fun as they were, are only a sliver of who we all were/are. But at the time, I never  realized that. You were a football player, or a soccer player, or a theater kid. Nobody really cared if the person you had a crush on was a good person, if he or she was kind, thoughtful, trustworthy, if they would do what they said they would. We just cared, like most college students, if they were hot, popular, and liked us back.

But as you get older, those things become less important. What matters is WHO you are. WHAT you stand for, and HOW you become the person that you ultimately can be proud of. I think I’m finally putting all of the pieces together from all of the books I’ve read in my lifetime and the lessons that I’ve learned (mostly the hard way). Ultimately, my semi-annoying obsession with striving to create the best mindset and technical training company for youth athletes is a selfish one. The more I learn about how to help others, the more I help myself. 

Now that were in our late 30s, (which, in college we would say that now we’re old and halfway dead - morbid; I know, but it was a joke), we’re starting to face things like friends actually dying, cancer, aneurysms, and a variety of weird things that we hadn’t faced before. This all brings me to my original point. Which, admittedly, usually takes me a round about way to get to. I think most people call that ADHD, but, who knows. What I’m realizing is Sara never cared about how good of a soccer player I was. Nobody on campus actually did. Sure it was probably fun watching me make saves (some people may have had more enjoyment seeing me get scored on, but I digress). At the end of the day, what endures is WHO we are. WHAT kind of people we become. And you cannot exclusively be a soccer player. Or a flutist. Or a bodybuilder. 

You are the sum of all of your parts. And so many of us miss that point. We get so wrapped up with labels of who we are, we often don’t do any further exploring. Especially at a young, impressionable age. Navigating the onslaught of information and pressure that kids face it is difficult to consider anything else at the moment. For me, nobody ever really challenged me in a meaningful way to look under the soccer player athlete identity that I clung to. That was my only value. At least that’s what I thought.

I’ve been reading and consuming a lot of Simon Sinek, Brett Ledbetter, Ryan Holiday, James Clear, Miss Valerie, Coach K, books on emotional intelligence, and coaching. My search in reading these books is to find out who I am, who I can become, and how I can continue to grow. How can I serve more, and how can I diversify my assets. (I’ve never thought about saying that in that way until just now. My assets are all of the tiny experiences and all the sides of me that are SO MUCH MORE THAN AN ATHLETE that I never took the time to really invest in). I think this is truly why I’ve created the career that I have for myself. I want to become the coach/mentor/parent/adult that I didn't consistently have. I want to show kids that you can be a kick ass athlete, accomplish the goals you want to, and have unwavering faith and confidence in yourself the whole time. Am I trying to create narcissists? Hell no. I just made so many mistakes in my path to 38 years old, that if I can influence 1 kid to be a more confident, more whole version of themselves, sooner than I did - then I will be fulfilled,

Remember when I mentioned my possible ADHD and getting around to the point? I bet someone out there is reading and saying, “Melissa, land your plane”. OK fine. As humans, we don't often sit and ponder how amazing it is that we’ve accomplished all that we’ve accomplished. Instead, we move the next goalpost further back and continue to strive for bigger goals. We don’t grow up saying, I want to be a good person, a great friend, be an inspiration, give back to my community. We more often say we want to be filthy rich and have a few houses and a prestigious career. Or a professional athlete. Which, by the way - I’m 100 percent on-board with accomplishing those things. But, we have to include those other (insert:sarcasm) teeny tiny other things like: I want to live a rich and fulfilled life. I know what success means to me and it doesn’t solely involve 10 million dollars and/or winning a gold medal. I can be confident in who I am and who I want to become because I took the time to prioritize these things. I didn’t succumb to the pressure of those (usually well intentioned) people in my life and limited my potential by being scared, playing scared, not taking risks, not exploring the “what-ifs” and not building my character. 

Our young athletes (yes - college kids are included in my consideration of ‘young’) need to diversify their assets. But they can’t do that if everyone around them is constantly putting pressure on them only  to perform. When we can understand and realize that it’s not about the outcome, the result, the score, the goals, the saves; rather it’s about LEARNING how to handle pressure, how to navigate hard things, how to become the person you desire to be amidst bad coaches, bad referees, bad sideline comments, negative social media comments, comparison to other athletes highlight reels. It’s about knowing who you are enough to make lasting friendships and showing up for each other - regardless of how you perform on the field or court or stage.

So, what does this have to do with Sara and her battling breast cancer? I’m not entirely sure. But being here with her made me really thankful that she saw me as much more than an athlete. And of all of the people who she could have asked to keep her company for a big surgery on this two night hospital stay that's unknown and scary (other than her wonderful mother), she asked me. That’s the biggest compliment that any friend could ever get. When you consider the possibility of losing the person who knows you the best, it really puts things in perspective. I would give up my athletic career for the health of myself and all of my people. And I’m thankful NOW that I know myself as more than just an athlete. When you think of all the pressure and identity struggle and stress and heartbreak that gets swept up with winning and losing, it pales in comparison to being unable to get out of a hospital bed, or worse - not turning 40 with your best friend.